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It was the most earnest ambition I ever had. . . . Not that I ever really wanted to be a preacher, but because it never occurred to me that a preacher could be damned. It looked like a safe job.

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Fran Lebowitz

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.

Animal, Dog, Owner, Silly, Suggest, Wear
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Being offended is a natural consequence of leaving the house.

Consequence, History, House, Leaving, Natural, Offended

People (a group that in my opinion has always attracted an undue amount of attention) have often been likened to snowflakes. This analogy is meant to suggest that each is unique - no two alike. This is quite patently not the case. People, even at the current rate of inflation - in fact, people especially at the current rate of inflation - are quite simply a dime a dozen. And, I hasten to add, their only similarity to snowflakes resides in their invariably and lamentable tendency to turn, after a few warm days, to slush.

Amount, Opinion, People, Simply, Two, Unique

As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

Happiness, Hear, Inspirational, Life, Motivational, Teenager

I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota.

Consciousness, Drug, Drugs, Unnecessary

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.

Ask, Buying, Children, Dinner, Humorous, Life
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