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In the name of the values that keep you alive, do not let your vision of man be distorted by the ugly, the cowardly, the mindless in those who have never achieved his title. Do not lose your knowledge that man’s proper estate is an upright posture, an intransigent mind and a step that travels unlimited roads.

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Doug Stanhope

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

Bar, Complaining, Drunk, Funny, Humor, Lapdancer
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Whatever your problems are, keep in mind that you die at the end of all this. Lets get out there, brutalize ourselves and laugh at those certain pricks who take it seriously, like there is any way to win in all this.

Die, Laugh, Laughing, Like, Mind, Winning

Race, Religion, Ethnic Pride, Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you have never met

Hate, Met, Pride, Race, Religion, Teach

They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to the 90-year-old lying awake at the graveyard shift in the nursing home, groaning with dementia. The only reason he hasn't killed himself is that he hasn't figured out a way he can do it with pudding.

Home, Lying, Nursing, Pocket, Tell, Way

Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?

Friends, House, Kids, Sex

If you're offended by any word in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.

Children, Language, Parent, Probably, Raise
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