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It's funny how the colors of the real world only seem really real when you watch them on a screen.

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Jeremy Hardy

The need to compile lists is a personality disorder, as is the need to assert the superiority of some things over other things.

Assert, Lists, Needs, Personality, Things
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Marriage is like the witness protection programme: you get all new clothes, you live in the suburbs, and you're not allowed to see your friends anymore.

Allowed, Clothes, Marriage, Protection, Suburbs, Witness

All socialists have bad backs because we slouch - except when we're watching the news when we sit on the edge of our seats, shout, and wave our arms. Generally we sit hunched, arms crossed in a judgemental way, the whole of our bodies pulled into a frown.

Body, Generally, Judgemental, News, Wave

My daughter wanted a new pair of trainers. I told her You're eleven, make your own!

Daughter, Eleven, Pairs, Told

It seems a shallow observation, but. . . the Tory Conference are not an attractive lot, are they? I mean, if all those people were born in the same village, you'd blame pollution, wouldn't you?

Conference, Mean, People, Pollution, Village

The Afghan War has clearly reached a stage similar to that moment at your child's party where you realise you've forgotten to give the other parents a pick up time.

Children, Clearly, Parents, Party, Time, War
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