This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. … - Anthony Jeselnik

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I think that I am among the few lucky ones who are exploiting complexity. Most people are unhappy with the emergence of complexity, they would prefer it if the world were very simple, but then it would be a doom for a cryptographer like myself.

Anthony Jeselnik

This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.

Advance, Fine, Funny Christmas, Girlfriend, Know, Xbox

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People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

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My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

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I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

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My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

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About a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It's all anybody talked about for weeks. I said, 'Who cares? How many kids you know get to die a winner?

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