Oh, treacherous night thou lendest thy ready veil to every treason, and teeming mischief's beneath thy shade.
My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, 'Well that taught me a lesson. '
I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months-I don't like to interrupt her.
Laughter is the greatest music in the world and audiences come to my shows to escape the cares of life. They don't want to be embarrassed or insulted. They want to laugh and so do I - which is probably why it works.
Freud's theory was that when a joke opens a window and all those bats and bogeymen fly out, you get a marvellous feeling of relief and elation. The trouble with Freud is that he never had to play the old Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost.
I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside
I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.
I'm going to tell my contestants: Be Bernie Sanders. Be the person people want and love.
If Bush said just once: 'Boy. I hope you accept my apology as a country,' or showed some humanity.
Souls never die, but always on quitting one abode pass to another. All things change, nothing perishes. The soul passes hither and thither, occupying now this body, now that. . . As a wax is stamped with certain figures, then melted, then stamped anew with others, yet it is always the same wax. So, the Soul being always the same, yet wears at different times different forms.
To execute a man we don't need proof of his guilt. We only need proof that it's necessary to execute him. It's that simple.