Top S. J. Perelman Quotes - Quotesmemo.com

S. J. Perelman Biography

Sidney Joseph "S. J." Perelman (February 1, 1904 – October 17, 1979) was an American humorist and screenwriter. He is best known for his humorous short pieces written over many years for The New Yorker. He also wrote for several other magazines, including Judge, as well as books, scripts, and screenplays. Perelman received an Academy Award for screenwriting in 1956.

Read about S. J. Perelman in Wikipedia

Random Authors

S. J. Perelman Quotes

If travel has taught me nothing more, and it certainly has, it's this: you never know when some trifling incident, utterly without significance, may pitchfork you into adventure or, by the same token, may not.

Adventure, Incident, May, Travel

I have no truck with lettuce, cabbage, and similar chlorophyll. Any dietitian will tell you that a running foot of apple strudel contains four times the vitamins of a bushel of beans.

Apples, Bushel, Chlorophyll, Food, Running, Times

One stifling summer afternoon last August, in the attic of a tiny stone house in Pennsylvania, I made a most interesting discovery: the shortest, cheapest method of inducing a nervous breakdown ever perfected. In this technique. . . , the subject is placed in a sharply sloping attic heated to 340 F and given a mothproof closet known as the Jiffy-Cloz to assemble.

Attic, August, Discovery, Heated, Summer

Where would the Rockefellers be today if old John D. had gone on selling short-weight kerosene. . . to widows and orphans instead of wisely deciding to mulct the whole country.

Country, Deciding, Entrepreneur, Today, Widows, Widows And Orphans

We old roosters must be cautious. Don't try to outwit your arteries.

Age, Arteries, Funny, Humorous, Outwit, Roosters

This medal (the National Book Award) together with my American Express card, will identify me worldwide. . . except at Bloomingdale's.

Award, Awards, Book, National, Together

The main obligation is to amuse yourself.

Obligation, Amuse

In my more pompous moments I like to think of myself as a writer rather than a humorist, but I suppose that's merely the vanity of advancing age.

Age, Merely, Moments, Suppose, Thinking, Vanity

Nature, it appears, has been rather more bountiful to Paul's body and purse than to his intellect; above the ears, speaking bluntly, the boy is strictly tapioca.

Bountiful, Boys, Funny, Humor, Intellect, Speaking

I loathe writing. On the other hand I'm a great believer in money.

Writing, Hands, Believer, Hand, Loathe

There is something about a home aquarium which sets my teeth on edge the moment I see it. Why anyone would want to live with a small container of stagnant water populated by a half-dead guppy is beyond me.

Aquariums, Home, Moment, Small, Stagnant, Water

"In France," Marcel said with wintry dignity, "accidents occur in the bedroom, not the kitchen. "

Bedroom, France, Funny, Kitchen, Marcel, Wintry

The worst disgrace that can befall a producer is an unkind notice from a New York reviewer. When this happens, the producer becomes a pariah in Hollywood. He is shunned by his friends, thrown into bankruptcy, and like a Japanese electing hara-kiri, he commits suttee.

New York, Hollywood, Pariahs, Unkind, Suttee, Japanese

The fact is that all of us have only one personality, and we wring it out like a dishtowel. You are what you are.

Dishtowel, Facts, Like, Personality, Wring

Do you know anything at all that nobody else knows or, for that matter, gives a damn about? If you do, then sit tight, because one of these days you're going to Hollywood as a technical supervisor on a million dollar movie.

California, Damn, Funny, Gives, Giving, Sit

He bit his lip in a manner which immediately awakened my maternal sympathy, and I helped him bite it.

Awakened, Bite, Bites, Lips, Maternal, Sympathy

The dubious privilege of a freelance writer is he’s given the freedom to starve anywhere.

Anywhere, Editing, Editors, Privilege, Starve, Writing

I found the pearl of the Orient slightly less exciting than a rainy Sunday evening in Rochester.

Exciting, Found, Inspirational, Pearls, Rochester, Sunday

To err is human, to forgive supine.

Err, Forgive, Forgiveness, Forgiving, Human, Humans

Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin - it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring.

Anniversary, Bedspring, Dying, Love, Twang, Valentines Day

1