Top Greg Fitzsimmons Quotes

Greg Fitzsimmons Biography

Gregory Sebastian "Greg" Fitzsimmons (born April 5, 1966) is an American stand-up comedian, writer, producer and radio host. He is currently the host of The Greg Fitzsimmons Show on Howard 101.

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Greg Fitzsimmons Quotes

The most interesting nerds are the ones who take offense to being called nerds.

Interesting, Most Interesting, Nerd, Offense, Ones

They just tested the tap water in Los Angeles and they found traces of estrogen and antidepressants in the tap water. So it's nice to know my son's going to grow up and have huge breasts but it's not going to bother him that much.

Growing Up, Huge, Los, Nice, Son, Water

Somebody stole my identity. Good luck using it without the medications.

Good Luck, Identity, Luck, Medications, Somebody, Stole

If we don't have souls then who am I talking to when I keep telling myself to be good?

Be Good, Good, Keep, Soul, Talking

If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.

Guy, Guys, Hummer, Ifs, Small, Want

If you want to stop two people from having sex, let them get married.

Sex, Two, People, Married, Stop

Same thing every year, getting up at the crack of dawn, drinking, fighting, throwing up, pissing on walls and then you leave the house and things get bad.

Drinking, Fighting, Leave, Throwing, Wall, Year

Trickle-down economics - it didn't work. The whole idea was supply-side economics: give rich people a lot of money; they'll spend it, it'll go into the economy. Here's what we found out - rich people, really good at keeping all the money. That's how they got rich. If you want it in the economy, give it to the poor people. You know what they're really good at? Spending all their money.

Economics, Giving, Ideas, People, Spending

I'm kinda stuck in that awkward in-between stage where my hair is just starting to fall out, but I'm still maintaining my youthful acne.

Awkward, Fall, Hair, Stuck

Ever see a skinny guy on a cold day? You know they tremble like Chihuahuas. Then you see a fat guy in a tank top - nine degrees, he's sweatin'. Look at 'Titanic,' remember the boat goes into the icy cold waters? Little skinny Leonardo: dead. Final scene, Kathy Bates on a rowboat, coat open, eating a hotdog.

Boat, Guy, Littles, Sweatin, Titanic, Water

They say no one knows if we all see red the same way. Except traffic cops.

Except, Police, Red, Say, Traffic, Way

The compulsion to do the opposite of what you are told does not lend itself to many occupations outside the entertainment industry. Within the industry, it is unlikely that you will be very successful without it.

Doe, Occupations, Opposites, Successful, Unlikely

I realized that every second that I'm alive, the world cares less about me. It's just a very linear, downward progression. And it sounds cynical because you guys are young and you're full with life. I want you to understand - this is it. You have nothing to look forward to because you're peaking. If you're not having fun now, kill yourself. I don't mean that in a bad way, just - it's not worth it to go forward.

Bad, Cynical, Fun, Life, Mean, Nothing

The best drunks are the ones who only hang out with other drunks in places we all know are filled with drunks.

Drunks, Filled, Hang, Hanging Out, Know, Knows

Rescuing dogs is looked upon as a noble, trendy pursuit. But wouldn't rescuing a man from a homeless shelter be, in fact, more humane?

Dog, Looked, Men, Noble, Shelter

There's so many ways to do stand up, and I think, for awhile, people weren't really maximizing the freedom of it. We were all kind of doing a similar kind of stand up, and I started to see some original voices come out of Boston.

Awhile, Boston, People, See, Thinking, Voice

Lieutenant Governor Paterson - blind, black guy - gets sworn in. First thing he says is, 'By the way, cheated on my wife. Let's just get that out in the open right now. ' He didn't need to admit that. He's blind. Could have said it was an accident.

Black, Gets, Guy, Right, Wife

My grandfather is from Ireland. His name is Florence McCarthy. He moved to New York in 1920. They used to beat him up because his name was Florence. He had to switch his name to Frank. And then this Christmas, he made an announcement - he goes, 'I'm switching me name back to Florence. ' And we beat him up, 'cause it's a dumb name and he's old and weak and it was easy.

Dumb, Frank, Names, New York, Switch, Used

I was just in Las Vegas, where prostitution is legal. Which is a relief because I live in Los Angeles, where it is mandatory.

Las, Los, Los Angeles, Prostitution, Relief, Vegas

When you're not 21, it's great to drink because you're not allowed to. You're a rebel: you gotta get a fake I. D. , you gotta find a place to drink it, you gotta sneak in drunk. And if you get away with all that, you're laying in bed, your heart's pounding, you got vomit on your chin. You're like, 'I'm a rebel!' And you are. You're cool.

Cool, Drunk, Heart, Place, Sneak In, Vomit

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Greg Fitzsimmons Biography

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