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Emergency rooms will be used the way they were intended to be used: not for primary care, but for when the average freaky American get some strange object up his ass.

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Greg Fitzsimmons

If you want to stop two people from having sex, let them get married.

Sex, Two, People, Married, Stop
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The most interesting nerds are the ones who take offense to being called nerds.

Interesting, Most Interesting, Nerd, Offense, Ones

Rescuing dogs is looked upon as a noble, trendy pursuit. But wouldn't rescuing a man from a homeless shelter be, in fact, more humane?

Dog, Looked, Men, Noble, Shelter

Same thing every year, getting up at the crack of dawn, drinking, fighting, throwing up, pissing on walls and then you leave the house and things get bad.

Drinking, Fighting, Leave, Throwing, Wall, Year

My grandfather is from Ireland. His name is Florence McCarthy. He moved to New York in 1920. They used to beat him up because his name was Florence. He had to switch his name to Frank. And then this Christmas, he made an announcement - he goes, 'I'm switching me name back to Florence. ' And we beat him up, 'cause it's a dumb name and he's old and weak and it was easy.

Dumb, Frank, Names, New York, Switch, Used

If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.

Guy, Guys, Hummer, Ifs, Small, Want
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