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Life began after I fell in love with you

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Eugene Mirman

I remember the first time I had sex. I wore a cape and goggles. . . because I didn't know.

Cape, Capes, Goggles, Remember, Sex
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I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

Baby, Dad, Drinking, Father, Fathers Day, Kid

A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You'd just be like, I am bike cheese. Because you wouldn't know what words were.

Bike, Education, Kids, Know, People, Thinking

I like the idea of being sort of withdrawn and mysterious, and what can be more mysterious that someone wearing a trash bag, like a dark trash bag, with eye holes that say "nihilism?" You'd be curious. What's underneath that? Is it perfect? Or is it broken?

Dark, Eye, Idea, Ideas, Nihilism, Sort

I don't speak French, but I took it for five years growing up. So, if I were in a situation where I had to be, like, 'Excuse me, pineapple dog house red, what time is it library?' - no problem.

Dog, Growing Up, Speaks French, Excuse, Library

I moved recently and I moved my cable and Internet and phone service which was all provided by Time Warner Cable. And you know, I made a plan with them where they'd come sometime between summer solstice and winter solstice and I would wait.

Internet, Phones, Sometime, Summer, Wait, Winter
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