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Hey, have you heard that one about the difference between me, Wit, and my loutish cousin, Hilarity? No? Okay, so I walk into a bar, you see, very unassuming, and order a martini. Then the bartender, Hilarity, hauls off and squirts me in the face with a seltzer bottle, ruining my n ice new camel hair suit, dousing my monocle and my watch fob, soaking my cravat. So, do I let him have what for, and blow my top? I do not. I simply say: Sorry, I believe I said 'very dry'.

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George Carlin

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

Funny, Money, Work, People, Paid, Quit
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Life is sacred? Who said so, God? Hey, if you read history you'll realize that God is one of the leading causes of death. . . has been for thousands of years. Hindus, Muslims, Christians, Jews, all taking turns killing each other because God told them it was a good idea.

Christian, Christians, Ideas, Muslims, Thousands, Years

To me, authority is something that a freer spirit, a more independent mind, and a person who can handle the world, doesn't need guidance from.

Independent, Mind, Needs, Spirit, World

Obviously, there are people who constrict themselves and build walls around themselves, whether it's from a moral standpoint or a patriotic standpoint, or just plain old conformity, and who therefore live in those little prisons, and when things breach those walls, it's shocking for them.

Obviously, Old, Patriotic, People, Prisons, Wall

People think life is real complicated. Actually, there's nothing to it. Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.

Complicated, Gets, Real, School, Simple, Teach

What exactly is 'viewer discretion'? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air.

Air, Exactly Is, Shows, Television, Viewers
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