Writing is both mask and unveiling.
If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!
How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?
God, she's growing up, and I don't know when it happened, man. I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and little Winnie the Pooh underwear. I was helping my wife fold cloths. I picked up a pair of skimpy underwear. I looked at my wife and said: When you gonna wear these for me? She goes, I can't. They're your daughter's. Aaahh! No, no, no! There was nothing to them! The how-to-wash tag was the biggest piece of cloth on there.
When you're doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can't get on TV. There's not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.
Lady, I didn't get up this morning wanting to be a jackass. . . but you just pushed my jackass button.
Engvall: Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey. . . " (pantomimes hitting his son) "We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad".
Life is too long to reject the opportunities in front of you every day.
First love, with its frantic haughty imagination, swings its object clear of the everyday, over the rut of living, making him all looks, silences, gestures, attitudes, a burning phrase with no context.
It's pretty easy to see that. . . wealth doesn't really equal happiness.
They say that Heaven is like TV. . . a perfect little world, that doesn't really need you.