I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, … - Jim Gaffigan

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I heard from my dear friend Tiberius Ogden, that you can produce a Patronus? For a bonus point. . . ? Harry raised his wand, looked directly at Umbridge, and imagined her being sacked. Expecto Patronum! The silver stag erupted from the end of his wand and cantered the length of the hall.

Jim Gaffigan

I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled water! Haha, they're selling bottled water!. . . I guess I'll try it. Ah, this is good, this is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it. "

Funny, Humor, Like, Water, Watery

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My kids are always awake. It's they're taking shifts. 'Alright, I'll annoy 'em from midnight to. Who wants to ?'

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I do kind of aspire to do comedy that appeals to a wide range of audiences and doesn't divide people. I never want to do material that makes people laugh at the expense of making other people feel bad - not to say I'm not guilty of that at times. . . . I try and make humor out of the really important issues of the day, like Hot Pockets and elevators and not wanting to get out of bed.

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I married a woman who loves to camp, and I am what you would call "indoorsy". . . My wife always brings up, "Camping's a tradition in my family. " Hey, it was a tradition in everyone's family 'til we came up with the house.

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I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you're doing.

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