There are jokes I know I want to tell, and there's sort of a rough order, but usually … - Demetri Martin

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What a glorious legacy of faith, courage, and ingenuity those noble early Mormon pioneers have left for us to build upon. My admiration for them deepens the longer I live.

Demetri Martin

There are jokes I know I want to tell, and there's sort of a rough order, but usually I try to change it up every show, to improvise and talk with the audience. I think when you tell jokes, if you're not careful, you can end up telling the whole list of jokes and then that's it. And that can get a little boring.

Careful, Order, Sort, Telling, Thinking, Trying

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Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

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I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude. ' 'Dude, these are isotopes. ' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine. ' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies. '

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My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

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I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say 'Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left. '

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Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.

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