You have to learn to do everything, even to die.
I considered myself a professional comedian because the club would pay me $20.
It's exciting to be able to do something completely independent without anybody challenging it, and it's a big part of the reason why I'm enjoying doing the stand-up comedy, is I'm able to go out and interact with people one-on-one after the show. It's very punk-rock.
Everyone knows that senior citizens are stupid
If prosecutors in the state of Utah continue on the path they are on in seeking us out, I hate to tell you what might happen. To put it bluntly - the mountains could come down upon them. I think they are going to get shook up. I think we are in store for a lot of things if we don't reprent and return to the way of God.
I tend to sit around with my friends a lot and rant and rave about things I think are ridiculous in the world, and I tend to make fun of myself a lot.
I tend to find comedy in dark places. I also tend to find comedy in taking on the status quo - which has always been something I find important.
One of my weaknesses is that I actually have a conscience.
The Republicans have a new healthcare proposal: Just say NO to illness!
[Enemies of Syria] are the enemies of the people and the enemies of God. And the enemies of God will go to hell.
Smile and others will smile back. Smile to show how transparent, how candid you are. Smile if you have nothing to say. Most of all, do not hide the fact you have nothing to say nor your total indifference to others. Let this emptiness, this profound indifference shine out spontaneously in your smile.