If a comedian tells a joke that you find funny, you laugh. If he tells a joke you … - Gilbert Gottfried

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When President Obama entered the White House, the economy was in a free-fall. The auto industry: on its back. The banks: frozen up. More than three million Americans had already lost their jobs. And America's bravest, our men and women in uniform, were fighting what would soon be the longest wars in our history.

Gilbert Gottfried

If a comedian tells a joke that you find funny, you laugh. If he tells a joke you do not find funny, dont laugh. Or you could possibly go as far as groaning or rolling your eyes. Then you wait for his next joke; if thats funny, then you laugh. If its not, you dont laugh - or at very worst, you can leave quietly.

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I understand being less sexy than Osama bin Laden, but not less sexy than Carrot Top. That, I find offensive.

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I think of Alan Thicke as Perry Como without the excitement.

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I'd like to have a kid, but I'd probably get a Frank Sinatra Jr. instead of a Gilbert Gottfried Jr. I'd totally screw up like that.

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Japan is really advanced. They don't go to the beach. The beach comes to them.

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I don't know if I change my act from century to century. Sometimes I'm onstage doing imitations and references to people who have been dead for 50 years.

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