When all else fails, philosophize.
If we've learned anything, it's that the combination of yellow smiley faces and blue polyester vests are irresistible to the inbred.
I was mad when I heard The Amazing Race wasn't about white people.
I don't mind it if blacks want equal rights, as long as they mean rights equal to a dog
First I took a crap on the hooker's chest, then I told her I'd pay her a thousand dollars to eat it. She was addicted to crack, so of course she did it. It was so gross, though, it made her throw up, so I said I'd pay her another thousand to lick all that up, too. She started to, but for some reason she started crying as she was doing it, saying, 'I went to college! I have a degree!' Oh man, it was hilarious. I don't know if it was technically sex because I just beat off on her face, but definitely one of my most intense orgasms.
The best way to travel abroad is to live with the locals.
I think there are bound to be obstacles in any path to success. I mean, I'm Jewish, and there's nothing I can do about that. Instead of sitting around and feeling sorry for myself, I got over it and did something with my life.
If a government commission had worked on the horse, you would have the first horse that could operate its knee joint in both directions. The trouble is it couldn't have stood up.
Being a nerd really pays off sometimes.
Anyone who meets you and doesn't want to get to know you and be part of your life is stupid. I saw it when I was just a kid. " "No. You thought I was a vampire and you wanted to be my friend so I wouldn't eat you. " "Well, that too. But I found out soon enough you weren't a blood sucker and I still licked you.
I went along doing the one-salad-a-night routine for a year. And I remember feeling so tired and depressed and irritable. I had no personal life. I was always flying someplace - weekends, holidays, vacations. Dinners at night were no fun because I couldn't eat.