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Human eyes are the sign language of the brain. If you watch them carefully, you can see the truth played out, raw and unguarded.

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Bill Burr

I actually had the urge to elbow an elderly lady today.

Actually, Elbows, Elderly, Lady, Today
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You know why men make more money than women? Because, in the unlikely event that we're both on the Titanic and it starts to sink, for some reason, you get to leave with the kids and I have to stay - that's why I get the dollar more an hour.

Dollar, Events, Kids, Know, Leave, Men

Realize that sleeping on a futon when you're 30 is not the worst thing. You know what's worse, sleeping in a king bed next to a wife you're not really in love with but for some reason you married, and you got a couple kids, and you got a job you hate. You'll be laying there fantasizing about sleeping on a futon. There's no risk when you go after a dream. There's a tremendous amount to risk to playing it safe.

Dream, Job, Jobs, Kings, Married, Realize

You're a kid, your whole life is awesome. It's awesome, right? You had no money, no ID, no cell phone, no nothing, no keys to the house. You just ran outside into the woods. You weren't scared of nothing. I challenge you to do that as an adult. All your IDs, all your credit cards - just run out of the house with no phone, turn the corner where you can't see your house, and not have a full on panic attack.

Funny, Life, Motivational, Right, Running, Turn

To me this is not yelling. I am not yelling. I'm just passionate about my opinions and I want to tell you all of them before you start talking again.

Funny, Opinions, Start, Talking, Yelling

Inter-racial sex is probably some of the best sex on the planet. You know what that is? Because with inter-racial sex there's like this whole added pressure to perform. 'Cause it's kinda like you're not just humping for yourself. You're humping for your race. You got to represent your people.

People, Planet, Probably, Race, Sex
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