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Paul Merton Biography

Paul James Martin (born 9 July 1957), known professionally as Paul Merton, is an English writer, actor, comedian, radio and television presenter.

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Paul Merton Quotes

I was trying to organise my DVDs into a sort of chronological order, and I am afraid that it all trailed off after the Sixties.

Dvds, Order, Sort, Trying

In 1987, I was in Edinburgh doing my first one-man show. I took part in a kickabout with some fellow comedians and tripped over my trousers and heard this cracking sound in my leg. A couple of days later I went into a coma and was diagnosed with a pulmonary embolism.

Comedian, Couple, Days, Edinburgh, Kickabout, Men

All disc jockeys are without talent. Noel Edmonds - I can't stand Noel Edmonds.

Disc, Edmonds, Jockeys, Noel, Stand, Talent

I've never been disappointed by politicians. I've never invested that much in them in the first place.

Firsts, Politician, Disappointed, Place, Invested

When I was nine I spent a lot of my time reading books about the history of comedy, or listening to the Goons or Hancock, humour from previous generations.

Book, Goons, Listening, Previous, Reading

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

Air, Badly, Funny, Humorous, Mutilated

Am I allowed to call myself working-class now? Because obviously I'm now very rich.

Allowed, Call, Class, Obviously, Rich, Working Class

On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn't, he said: Do you mind if I mug you here?

Central, Central Park, Day, Humorous, New York, York

I remember being fascinated by the very nature of comedy from the age of 10; why is this funny, and that isn't?

Age, Comedy, Fascinated, Remember

When I used to do the Edinburgh Festival, there was a bunch of guys selling fresh oysters and I'd eat ten daily - marvellous.

Oysters, Guy, Edinburgh, Fresh, Eat

If you stay in a house and you go to the bathroom and there is no toilet paper, you can always slide down the banisters. Don't tell me you haven't done it.

Banisters, Done, House, Paper, Stay, Toilet

My school days were the happiest days of my life; which should give you some indication of the misery I've endured over the past twenty-five years.

Give, Life, Past, School, Years

At one point in the mid-Eighties I shared a promoter with the Smiths. One night, we were sitting backstage when Morrissey burst in, utterly distraught, sobbing his heart out. Turns out someone had thrown a sausage at him on stage during 'Meat Is Murder. '

Heart, Meat, Night, Promoter, Sitting, Turns

If you became a comedian in the '80s, you had to work the circuit and make people laugh. Canned laughter is cheating.

Cheating, Laughter, People, Became, Laugh, Make

It seems like a contradiction, but the shy person who is a performer actually does make sense, because in a way, when you're young and shy, making people laugh is a good way to make friends. It's an instant connection.

Connections, Laughing, People, Performer, Way, Young

In fact, I don't watch a lot of contemporary comedy for fear of being influenced by it.

Comedy, Facts, Influenced, Watch, Watches

I looked at longevity in show business when I was about 13, and the people who seemed to have longevity were the ones who'd spent quite a bit of time learning about what they were doing before they made it.

People, Made, Longevity, Quite, Time

Have you ever had sex with a horse?

Horse, Sex

I don't always vote in general elections, but I think I've always voted Labour.

Election, General, Labour, Think, Thinking, Vote

My favourite riposte to a heckle is to say, 'Excuse me, I'm trying to work here. How would you like it if I stood yelling down the alley while you're giving blow jobs to transsexuals?'

Jobs, Blow, Yelling, Giving, Heckle

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Paul Merton Biography

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