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Carol Leifer Biography

Carol Leifer (/ˈliːfər/ LEE-fər; born July 27, 1956) is an American comedian, writer, producer and actress whose career as a stand-up comedian started in the 1970s when she was in college. David Letterman discovered her performing in a comedy club in the 1980s and she has since been a guest on Late Night with David Letterman over twenty-five times as well as numerous other shows and venues. She has written many television scripts including for The Larry Sanders Show, Saturday Night Live and Seinfeld.

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Carol Leifer Quotes

All my other relationships with men, there was so much maneuvering and strategic decisions and stuff.

Decision, Maneuvering, Men, Relationships, Stuff

Oh my God, Kennedy Airport - what a mess - all over you with those dopey security questions. 'Did you receive any gifts from any unknown persons?' Buddy, the last thing I got from an unknown person was in the 80's.

Airports, Kennedy, Lasts, Over You, Person, Persons

Women in the workplace - we still have big strides to make. Girlfriend of mine just got a new job. First question the new boss asked her was if she could make a good cup of coffee. . . Yeah, she stormed right out of that Starbucks.

Asked, Coffee, Girlfriend, Jobs, Question, Stormed

You know what kills me about Jennifer Lopez? The fact that this woman wakes up one day and she's like, 'You know what? From now on, I'd like people to call me J-Lo,' and then they do it. Only a celebrity can get away with this. George Bush doesn't come out for his morning press conferences: 'From now on, I'd like to be referred to as G-Bu. Y'all know my vice president, Dog Chain.

Away, Dog, George, Morning, People, Woman

There were very few women comics when I started out doing stand-up. But I always saw that as a great advantage.

Saws, Advantage, Comics, Women, Saw

I'm not afraid of putting myself out there to someone and then them passing on it. At least you could have gotten a 'yes. ' So it's worthwhile to have the cojones to do it.

Afraid, Cojones, Gotten, Passing On, Worthwhile, Yes

Women, stop buying the lingerie. Stop buying it right now. Oh, it's a big rip off. Oh my god, $18 bucks for panties this big? Come on, one trip through the dryer, and it's a frilly bookmark.

Big, Bucks, Dryer, God, Lingerie, Rip

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Funny, Pain, Philosophy, Working

My father was the kind of guy who'd always say 'Throw out any subject and I got a joke on it,'

Father, Guy, Kind, Subject, Throw

When you lie about your age, the terrorists win.

Age, Lie, Lying, Win, Winning

I recently became vegan because I felt that as a Jewish lesbian, I wasn't part of a small enough minority. So now I'm a Jewish lesbian vegan.

Became, Enough, Felt, Minorities, Vegan

My kind of gay is like the late-breaking-lesbian kind of gay.

Gay, Kind, Late, Like

Been thinking about having a baby. But if I want to do it, I'd have to do it soon 'cause it's getting near closing time. The clock is ticking. My gynecologist said, if I wanted to have a baby, I would have to do it - the latest - by the ended of this show.

Baby, Clock Is Ticking, Having, Show, Thinking, Ticking

Sex when you're married is like going to the 7-Eleven: There's not much variety, but at three in the morning, it's always there.

Funny Marriage, Married, Morning, Sex, Three, Variety

Oh, this is fun - went to a nude beach for the first time. Yeah, that's what I thought. You ever been to a nude beach? Thought it would be all sexy and hot. Oh my God, what a flubber fest! Everybody who shouldn't be naked is naked - didn't make me want to take off my clothes, made me want to take out my contacts.

Beach, Clothes, Fest, Fun, Naked, Sexy

I feel I've always got to keep my stand-up because I never want to lose it.

Feels, Keep, Lose, Loses, Want

Just be your authentic self because there's nothing sexier or more beautiful than that.

Beautiful, Self, Authentic Self, Nothing, Authentic

The only thing I said to my parents when I was a teenager was Hang up, I got it!

Hang, Parent, Parents, Said, Teenager, Thing

I cried when I turned 34 for no other reason than 34 sounded old to me at the time.

Cried, Reason, Time, Turned

When do we put on the lingerie? Always at the beginning of the relationship - first couple of months, strutting around the bedroom wearing a teddy. Yeah, six months later, you've stopped shaving your legs and you look like a teddy.

Couple, Looks, Six Months, Stopped, Strutting

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