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Arj Barker Biography

Arjan Singh (born 12 August 1974), known by the stage name Arj Barker, is an American comedian and actor from San Anselmo, California. He has toured in North America, Australia, New Zealand, and Europe. He was born to an engineer father and artist mother, and is half-Indian, half-European. His father is of Sikh heritage.

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Arj Barker Quotes

I was a typical kid. I dug holes in the yard, threw rocks, had plum battles with the neighbours and used trash can lids as shields. I was always outside getting dirty.

Dirty, Kids, Rocks, Typical, Used

Google is ridiculous. Everyone uses Google, and that's why Google has such an attitude. Because it's so popular, it's conceited. I mean, it has a serious attitude. Have you tried misspelling something lately? See the tone that it takes? 'Um, did you mean. . . ?

Attitude, Conceited, Everyone, Mean, See, Takes

All I knew about Ireland before I went there was what I learned from watching soap commercials all my life. I was totally misinformed. I thought it was an Irish tradition where you don't even take a shower with your soap - you take your soap for a walk, you compliment the soap for a little while and then, suddenly, you just start hacking it up with a hunting knife.

Hunting, Knives, Littles, Shower, Start, Thought

I just got a car, and I gotta say, this car is very cryptic. The very first day I drove it, a light came on out of nowhere: 'Check engine. ' Could they be any more vague? What if a light came on and said, 'Problem'?

Car, Engine, Light, Said, Say, What If

I was high on life but eventually I built up a tolerance.

Built, Eventually, High, Life, Tolerance

I fainted last night! Luckily I was going to bed at the time so I didn't get hurt.

Bed, Fainted, Hurt, Night, Time

Just open your heart man and accept that people are gay. Thousands, probably millions of people are gay. And until we find a cure - we will practice unconditional love and tolerance towards these people. And we will let them get married because they're easier to track that way.

Gay, Heart, Man, Tolerance, Unconditional, Unconditional Love

My general rule of thumb is, once something's a ride at Disneyland, I assume that it is no longer a threat in real life. Which is why I don't expect to get attacked by a giant tea cup anytime soon.

Anytime, Giants, Real, Tea, Threat

It's gotten to the point where I think my friends would rather hang out with their own kids than hang out with me. And I'm like, "Alright, but where's the loyalty, man. I've known you for twenty-five years. How long have you known your baby, like, a month?"

Alright, Baby, Friends, Kids, Loyalty, Years

I just got a new iPod. It's got 80 gigabytes. Because I like to jog for three weeks at a time and I do not want to hear the same song twice.

Ipods, Jog, Same, Song, Three

I'm not even worried about settling down. I think it's way too early. I'm 25 and I'm in show business. I mean, if things go well, my wife hasn't even been born yet.

Mean, Settling, Think, Thinking, Wife

I'm in love with a philosophy major, and she doesn't even know I exist. And what's worse, she can prove it.

Know, Knows, Philosophy, Prove It, Worse

Nobody can ever learn our military's secrets - unless, you know, they happen to have the Discovery Channel. Then, it's pretty easy, just tune in for a few minutes.

Discovery, Know, Learn, Military, Secret, Tune

I know that most domesticated animals aren't indigenous to this country. So guess what, cat? You can beat it. Go back to Catalina Island or Catalonia, Spain, or Katmandu, or wherever the hell your hairy ass is from! 'Cause this is America and around here - Katmandon't.

America, Animal, Cat, Country, Domesticated, Island

My friend and I were up to all sorts of shenanigans at school. But one time it ended up disrupting the whole class and we got in trouble. His parents told him he wasn't allowed to hang out with me any more. I had a friendship break-up in third grade. It was brutal.

Class, Friendship, Parent, School, Sorts, Told

You know the little camel on the pack of cigarettes? They just found out that's not even a camel. It's actually a horse with a big, old tumor growing out of its mouth.

Camel, Camels, Cigarettes, Growing, Horse, Smoking

I love New York, though I'll never eat any of the ice creams that they sell in the park. That's just disgusting. You see the little picture of them? They all have a little bite taken out of them already.

Already, Ice Cream, New York, Picture, Taken, Though

I'm thinking of switching banks, and my friend said, 'Well, what's wrong with Citibank?' Well, they can't spell 'city. ' I hope their math is better than their English is.

Banks, Cities, Friend, Hope, Math, Thinking

I'm trying to feel terrified and alone. And regret every decision I've ever made, drenched in a cold sweat. It's called going to sleep. Maybe you've heard of it.

Decision, Maybe, Regret, Sleep, Sweat

I never smoke grass and drive my car because, for one thing, no matter how many letters I write to the road commissions, they still refuse to start designing highways with second-chance exits.

Car, Road, Second Chance, Start, Writing

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