It is better to be silent and be real than to talk and not be real.
Television is like a great monster, eating your gags as fast as you say them.
I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months-I don't like to interrupt her.
Laughter is the greatest music in the world and audiences come to my shows to escape the cares of life. They don't want to be embarrassed or insulted. They want to laugh and so do I - which is probably why it works.
Freud's theory was that when a joke opens a window and all those bats and bogeymen fly out, you get a marvellous feeling of relief and elation. The trouble with Freud is that he never had to play the old Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost.
I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside
I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.
Practice is not a matter of years and months. It is a matter of concentration.
Desire creates havoc when it is the only thing between two people, or when it is what's missing.
There are those of us who believe that under certain conditions the cruelest thing you can do to people you love is to force them to live. There are those of us who define living not by whether the heart beats and the lungs lift but whether the spirit is there, whether the music box plays.
Buoyancy is a phenomenon whereby, as a leader, you float because the people you inspired believe that you should, because you've truly connected with the collective desires and values of the people you lead.