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Besides, it happens fast for some people and slow for some, accidents or gravity, but we all end up mutilated. Most women know this feeling of being more and more invisible everyday.

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Gilbert Gottfried

I just split up with my girlfriend, but like the Japanese say, “They’ll be another one floating by any minute now. ”

Floating, Girlfriend, Japanese, Splits, Theyll
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I understand being less sexy than Osama bin Laden, but not less sexy than Carrot Top. That, I find offensive.

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I think of Alan Thicke as Perry Como without the excitement.

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I'd like to have a kid, but I'd probably get a Frank Sinatra Jr. instead of a Gilbert Gottfried Jr. I'd totally screw up like that.

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Japan is really advanced. They don't go to the beach. The beach comes to them.

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I don't know if I change my act from century to century. Sometimes I'm onstage doing imitations and references to people who have been dead for 50 years.

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