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You can buy a person's hands but you can't buy his heart. His heart is where his enthusiasm, his loyalty is.

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Eugene Mirman

Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.

Love, Paperwork, People, Tons, Two
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I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

Baby, Dad, Drinking, Father, Fathers Day, Kid

A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You'd just be like, I am bike cheese. Because you wouldn't know what words were.

Bike, Education, Kids, Know, People, Thinking

I like the idea of being sort of withdrawn and mysterious, and what can be more mysterious that someone wearing a trash bag, like a dark trash bag, with eye holes that say "nihilism?" You'd be curious. What's underneath that? Is it perfect? Or is it broken?

Dark, Eye, Idea, Ideas, Nihilism, Sort

I don't speak French, but I took it for five years growing up. So, if I were in a situation where I had to be, like, 'Excuse me, pineapple dog house red, what time is it library?' - no problem.

Dog, Growing Up, Speaks French, Excuse, Library

I moved recently and I moved my cable and Internet and phone service which was all provided by Time Warner Cable. And you know, I made a plan with them where they'd come sometime between summer solstice and winter solstice and I would wait.

Internet, Phones, Sometime, Summer, Wait, Winter
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