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I am a horrible visual artist. I can't fix a car, sew, knit, cook, etc. Statistically, there is more I don't do than do.

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Doug Stanhope

Did you ever try to sleep sober?

Sleep, Sober, Trying
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Whatever your problems are, keep in mind that you die at the end of all this. Lets get out there, brutalize ourselves and laugh at those certain pricks who take it seriously, like there is any way to win in all this.

Die, Laugh, Laughing, Like, Mind, Winning

Race, Religion, Ethnic Pride, Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you have never met

Hate, Met, Pride, Race, Religion, Teach

They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to the 90-year-old lying awake at the graveyard shift in the nursing home, groaning with dementia. The only reason he hasn't killed himself is that he hasn't figured out a way he can do it with pudding.

Home, Lying, Nursing, Pocket, Tell, Way

Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?

Friends, House, Kids, Sex

If you're offended by any word in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.

Children, Language, Parent, Probably, Raise
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