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I must say a few words about memory. It is full of holes. If you were to lay it out upon a table, it would resemble a scrap of lace. I am a lover of history. . . [but] history has one flaw. It is a subjective art, no less so than poetry or music. . . . The historian writes a truth. The memoirist writes a truth. The novelist writes a truth. And so on. My mother, we both know, wrote a truth in The 19th Wife– a truth that corresponded to her memory and desires. It is not the truth, certainly not. But a truth, yes. . . Her book is a fact. It remains so, even if it is snowflaked with holes.

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Jasper Carrott

I've always been sensible with my money. I can't say I'm a business genius.

Genius, Sensible, I Can, Say, Money
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Laughter is the best medicine - unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.

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Ringo isn't the best drummer in the world. He isn't even the best drummer in the Beatles

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They put up this bloke's picture on Crimewatch UK with a phone number and said 'Have you seen this man?' Well my auntie rang them up and said 'No'.

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I am amazed at radio DJ's today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

Music, Media, Radio, Absolute, Amazed

I am cursed with a right leg that arouses the desire of any male dog that happens to be passing. I used to think that this only happened to me but I've discovered that many people have the same problem. They have a femme fatale limb.

Dog, Funny, Happens, Male, People, Thinking
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