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Celia Rivenbark Biography

Celia Rivenbark is humor columnist and author. She was born in Duplin County, North Carolina, where she remained for most of her life. She continued to live in the country side of Duplin County and away from urban life. Having completed twenty-one years of journalism, she married Scott Whisnant, a sportswriter at the time and now the Director of Government Relations for New Hanover Health Network. Scott Whisnant authored Innocent Victims, which was a bestseller. Currently, Celia Rivenbark resides in Wilmington, North Carolina with her husband and daughter, Sophie.

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Celia Rivenbark Quotes

You can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning.

Beer, Day, Drink, Drinking, Morning

I'm fairly certain that, at this very minute, the [Mars Polar Lander] is floating somewhere around the Neptune feeling tired and cranky and looking for a Holiday Inn. Of course, you'd have to have a heart of titanium not to feel a twinge of sadness while watching those dejected NASA scientiest waiting by the phone like the class wallflower on prom week. On the other hand, it was kind of fun to watch a bunch of men waiting by the phone and seeing how they feel when someone promises they'll call and then YOU NEVER HEAR FROM HIM AGAIN.

Dejected, Floating, Fun, Holiday, Polar, Sadness

She appears to have a face that would stop a clock and raise hell with small watches, bless her heart.

Bless, Clock, Funny, Heart, Hell, Watches

I'm what is known as perimenopausal. "Peri", some of you may know, is a Latin prefix meaning 'SHUT YOUR FLIPPIN' PIE HOLE'.

Know, Latin, May, Perimenopausal, Pie

Severe isn't a word normally associated with a cold. Severe is for weather or third-degree burns. . . No one responds 'severe' when someone asks how her cold is. In fact, nine out of ten Americans respond to 'How's your cold' with 'It sucks. ' So there should be an It Sucks cold formula.

Degrees, Nine, Respond, Weather

Who can fail to mist at Fergie's anthem, 'My humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps. ' Hmmm. 'My lunch, my lunch, I swear it's coming up.

Anthem, Hmmm, Lady, Lovely Lady, Lunch

Proper driving etiquette demands that you basically get close enough to a car in front of you at a busy intersection that it would mean that in certain third-world countries, or South Carolina, you would have to get married.

Car, Countries, Country, Mean, Proper

I'd sooner wear white shoes in February, drink unsweetened tea, and eat Miracle Whip instead of Duke's than utter the words 'you guys'.

Guy, Shoes, Tea, Unsweetened, Wear, White

Jehovah's Witness are welcomed into my home. . . You gotta respect anybody who gets all dressed up in Sunday clothes and goes door-to-door on days so hot their high heels sink a half-inch into the pavement. The trick is to do all the talking yourself. Pretty soon, they'll look at their watches and say, 'Speaking of end times, wouldja look at what time it is now!

Clothes, High, Home, Look, Respect, Sunday

Pecans are not cheap, my hons. In fact, in the South, the street value of shelled pecans just before holiday baking season is roughly that of crack cocaine. Do not confuse the two. It is almost impossible to make a decent crack cocaine tassie, I am told.

Cracks, Decent, Holiday, Make, Two

Never marry something until you've established the perfect pizza ratio. . . The premise is simple. My husband and I knew we were made for each other because we're a 6:2 ratio, six slices for him and two for me. . . Never marry a man who wants two slices one week and four the next. They're undependable and highly unpredictable and will likely dump you for some Internet honey who says she doesn't mind his back hair.

Established, Husband, Internet, Men, Simple, Undependable

Writing humor is not something every single person can do.

Person, Persons, Single, Single Person, Writing

To the newcomer to the south, hearing that a coworker plans a weekend visit to 'mama and them's' (the correct plural possessive, don'tchaknow), might make him think that mama has been left alone either throught an act of scoundreldom involving the town's resident hoochie-mama (an altogether different kind of mama) or Daddy's untimely demise.

Altogether, Daddy, Resident, Think, Thinking, Weekend

I have several close friends who have run marathons, a word that is actually derived from two Swahili words: mara, which means 'to die a horrible death', and thon, which means 'for a stupid T-shirt. ' Look it up.

Horrible, Mean, Run, Running, Stupid

And I reminded myself that it's easy to be grateful for the obvious blessings in life, much harder to be grateful for the tough moments and the lessons they teach.

Blessing, Grateful, Harder, Lessons, Moments