The sooner that little so-and-so goes to rugby league, the better it will be for us.
For Irishmen, there is no football game to match rugby and if all our young men played rugby not only would we beat England and Wales but France and the whole lot of them put together.
Me? As England's answer to Jonah Lomu? Joanna Lumley, more likely.
I was doing a play in New York, which we had done in New Haven, Connecticut. It was an American premiere of a play called The Changing Room written by a wonderful man named David Story. It was about a rugby team in the North of England. It got just screaming rave reviews. At that time, virtually every major critic went up to the Long Wharf Theater to see a new play like that.
Rugby is a game for barbarians played by gentlemen. Football is a game for gentlemen played by barbarians.
I may not have been very tall or very athletic, but the one thing I did have was the most effective backside in world rugby.
I've spent a lot of my teenage years working on sets. I've missed out on more than just playing rugby, but I think I've managed to keep my feet on the ground and keep my friends around me.
About my boss, Tyler tells me, if I'm really angry, I should go to the post office and fill out a change-of-address card and have all his mail forwarded to Rugby, North Dakota.
I'm still an amateur, of course, but I became rugby's first millionaire five years ago.
The time for reminiscing is after rugby. Then you can sit down and get fat.
He's like a demented ferret up a wee drainpipe.
I know American football. I know a little bit about soccer. I know baseball, I know basketball. But, rugby is a foreign language.
Who else but an Englishman could invent an oval ball.
I've always played sport. I played rugby, I was involved in athletics, I played cricket. . . I'm an outdoors kind of guy.
In my youth I thought I was going to be a professional rugby player.
I've been flogging myself to keep my fitness up there.
Rugby is a game for the mentally deficient. . . That is why it was invented by the British. Who else but an Englishman could invent an oval ball?
The women sit, getting colder and colder, on a seat getting harder and harder, watching oafs, getting muddier and muddier.
I'm very happy to be back playing rugby for England again - there were times when I questioned if this would happen.
I love baseball. And American Football, too. But not rugby.