Andy Kindler (born October 16, 1956) is an American comedian from Queens, New York.
I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.
I don't like any nastiness on tv unless it's coming from me.
Some of my inventions didn't take off. I invented a url lengthener.
You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.
I'm still working on my time machine. If I ever perfect it, I'm going back in time to prevent Ace Ventura 2 from being made. And then I'm going after Hitler.
Once when Larry the Cable Guy was on Conan's show, Conan O'Brien was so offended by Larry's material, he had to walk away from the desk he was so offended.
I noticed whenever you call information, 411, there's always a computer voice, and they go, 'What number would you like? City and state, please. ' 'Yeah, I'd like the number of Macy's in Century City, California. ' 'Did you say 'pretzel nuggets'?
Jewish people, we don't believe in Hell or a future place to suffer. We're suffering right now. Every one of our holidays celebrates how much we've suffered. Passover - we're celebrating 5,000 years ago, God passed over our houses and murdered all the Egyptians. We're celebrating, 'Hey, thank God we didn't get slaughtered.
People are trying so hard to become famous. Johnny Marbles, he tried to throw a pie in Rupert Murdoch's face. What do I gotta do, give Sumner Redstone a wedgie?
Maybe Bill Maher should just practice his monologue a few times before the show, so he wouldn't find it so hilarious. But I kid the asshole.
I believe at the end of my career I'll be retired into the recurring character hall of fame.
I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.
Judah Friedlander, I'm ok with you being the world champion for a few years more. That's a hook with legs. But I think he should make one more hat, that says 'there's a limit to how funny words on a hat can be'. And then move to a chapeau.
I'm on a show called Wizards of Wavery Place, and I like it, but I'm unable to convince my Tivo that I wouldn't also like iCarly.
Now we have two choices in life: have sex with the same person forever or risk a terminal disease. Either way, your life is over.
Adam Carolla is like Hitler if Hitler wasn’t funny.
I'm sorry and ashamed to report that I'm not actually a Jew. I was pretending to be a Jew to minimize the holocaust.
Milk should be refrigerated even before opening.
George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges.
Ever since I've switched to the clean syringes, I've never felt better in my entire life.