After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.
It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.
It's funny how you can think you know someone pretty well, and then something happens or they do something that makes you understand that you didn't really know them at all.
I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.
I never had much interest in the piano until I realized that every time I played, a girl would appear on the piano bench to my left and another to my right.
Love is often the fruit of marriage.
When I was going for my graduate degree, I decided I was going to make a feature film as my thesis. That's what I was famous for-that I had my thesis film be a feature film, which was 'You're a Big Boy Now. '
I've seen George Foreman shadow boxing and the shadow won.
When the silent majority opens its mouth, it is usually to yawn.
A pie in the face is funny. Comedy gold.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
Nowadays, it is fashionable for agents to be out. When you call them, they're always "out. " It's in, you see, to be out. If they're in, they're out. So, they're always out. That way, they'll be in.
You know how you just don't like guys on the other team sometimes? It's funny because growing up I loved Roger (Clemens), loved to watch Roger pitch. Then when I was first in the big leagues and he was for the other team, I hated him.
Nations have come under the control of haters and fools.
The Hawaiian Islands were discovered by hardy Polynesian sailors, who crossed thousands of miles of open ocean in primitive canoes, braving violent storm-tossed seas for months at a time. My family and I arrived by modern commercial aviation, which was infinitely worse.
If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer.
Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.
One day the "Don't Knows" will get in and then where will we be?
Sometimes I feel like I'm making a connection with a stranger, but then it turns out I'm not. Like, I was in a mall, and I saw this lady hitting her kid. So I went up to her, and I was like, "Yeah, get him!" She got all mad at me. I was like, "I'm on your side here. "
A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.
