God's grace and forgiveness, while free to the recipient, are always costly for the giver.
We can easily become loyal to our suffering … but it's not the end of the path.
The purpose of spiritual life is not to create some special state of mind. A state of mind is always temporary. The purpose is to work directly with the most primary elements of our body and our mind, to see the ways we get trapped by our fears, desires, and anger, to learn directly our capacity for freedom.